*Sigh* This is a delicate subject. Looking a gift horse in the mouth always is. Before you decide that I am spitting in the face of my loved ones for their very well meaning but ultimately failing gifts, I have to cut them a little slack because these are points that never even occurred to me when I have purchased baby shower gifts. So here goes:

Echo The Couple’s Interests, Not Your Own

I don’t give a flying shit about sports. Any sport. Neither does my husband. Even without being douche-y and pointing out the implied gender roles of boys’ onesies featuring puppies playing football, I still couldn’t really bring myself to dress my kid in all of his sporty little clothes unless it was an absolute laundry emergency. “But he might like sports!” you say? Wanna know one of my favorite things about my baby? HE DOESN’T HAVE INTERESTS. He barely has preferences. He’s a blank canvas for me to impose MY interests on. If he ends up having a healthy passion for sports (which is pretty fucking unlikely in this house), then whatever. I won’t even be disappointed. But until then, it’s all robots and dinosaurs. And the occasional silly cat onesie.

Snaps Suck

I really don’t blame people for buying me pajamas with neck-to-toe tiny snaps that take a feat of zen-like patience to deal with at 3 am. I blame Carters. Because what the hell? Why would they even make them like that? I’ve been told zippers tend to break but I would really rather go through a few busted zippers than 500 of those stupid little snaps.

Thick Jumpsuits Suck Even More

Now this one is really sad because some of these were adorable and I couldn’t wait to see Vince in them. Unfortunately, dressing a baby younger than six months is like putting tiny clothes on a water balloon. They can’t sit up and every bit of that thick-ass fabric has to go over their soft, hopelessly floppy heads. It’s just not happening. And I live in the bay. If my hood was prone to blizzards, I might put in the extra effort to stuff my kid into one of those sacks but that’s just not the case.