An increasingly rare moment alone when I’m not exhausted or too stoned to function. It’s ironic having this during one of the busiest days I’ve had in a long time. I spoke to kids at Valerie’s work about my career and they were all so cute and cool and the conversation devolved into would-you-rathers and other random questions like what is my go-to comfort album (blew me the fuck away, what a good question. I answered with Radiohead In Rainbows btw. The album to which I fell in love with Mars. A more accurate answer would have been Neutral Milk Hotel’s In The Aeroplane Over The Sea but I just couldn’t think of it fast enough). Anyway, it’s gross how much I love when kids think I’m cool.
After work, I picked up Em from the airport and came back to the house to watch So I Married An Axe Murderer while being singular brain cells together. Fuck is all right in the world now that my best friend is here. So it only makes sense I’d be gifted with this quiet moment to reflect and not feel like just a functioning drug addict just getting by. Don’t get me wrong, I’m high rn. But it’s the rare time I don’t feel the weight of it.
I wonder if I actually will go to grad school. Like will it ever become a good time to do that lol? Or maybe not a good time but like, possible? Who fucking knows. Everything feels so shaky that I oscillate between planning for the future and saying fucking what future?
It’s weird that I’ve always been naturally depressed like all my life, like just a little depressed all the damn time, and now I live in a time where that’s basically expected. Things were not nearly as fucked as they were 20 years ago and I was hanging on by a thread back then, too. How am I going to survive some seriously bad shit when I barely survived growing up?
Wow that took a turn. Maybe that’s why I’ve been putting this off. I’m also putting off scheduling a call with my therapist because it just feels like a broken record. The same struggles. The same fears. The same paralysis.
We march on.
I guess.