Ugh how I hate the hiatus-breaking posts. Not that I am really convinced that I have enough followers who need an explanation as to why I haven’t been updating or if the few I have even noticed that I’ve been MIA. It’s only that it feels weird getting back into things without going over what has kept me away. But basically, I am mad at my body. And for a body posi blogger, talk about a mind-fuck.
I’ve had some very bad wrist tendinitis and in the process of trying to tweek my desk ergonomics at work and at home, I have completely fucked up my already pretty fucked up back. I am pretty much always uncomfortable and I haven’t been pain-free a single day since maybe Christmas? And when a big part of the whole body posi movement is proclaiming that fat people can be healthy and then you suddenly start feeling unhealthy, it just makes you want to hide. Because you’re no longer the glowing example our movement needs. No fat femme yogi here. And I know I am suffering from things that also often happen to thin people. I know this. But walking the line between loving my body and denying the consequences of my eating disorder is just a tricky space in which to live. So that’s what I’m dealing with right now.
Being mad at your ill body and the limitations it is putting on your spirit can be a tough spell to break. It would take one seriously slaytastic outfit to get me feeling myself again. And maybe some accidental baby bangs…
…AND finally pulling off a half-down top knot that didn’t make me want to hurl. That reeeeeeeally helped. Also, I really need to stop forgetting the healing powers of red lipstick.
You ever look in the mirror, especially after an excruciating saga of trying to find to find the right hair style, and say, “There she is. That’s the bitch I was meant to look like. She’s fucking rad and I want to be her best friend and I bet she has really cool taste in music and a cutting sense of humor but she’s prob supes humble about it obvi because she’s cray smart but still uses dumb-dumb slang? Is she on Snapchat?” No, me neither.
Dress: Forever 21
Vest: Old Navy
Lips: ColourPop